1. You roll your eyes every time you see someone celebrating St. Patricia’s Day.
Patty = Patricia, Paddy = Patrick. It’s not hard.
2. You know that this is not a shamrock.
Shamrocks and clovers are similar, but clovers are the ones that can grow four leaves, not shamrocks.
3. In the weeks prior to St. Patrick’s Day, you can’t get away from these stands in nearly every store:
To help you better celebrate the Feast of St. Patrick the way your Catholic forbears did.
4. And try though you may, you don’t remember the part in the St. Patrick legend where he cast the snakes out of Ireland wearing a feather boa and sparkly green top hat:
That sounds more like your coworker, Patrick, who goes to raves every weekend and is always asking the whereabouts of Molly.
5. You long ago realized your town’s St. Patrick’s Day Parade had some pretty loose rules:
“st patrick’s day festival 2007”
“St. Patrick’s Day Parade 2009, Dublin, Ireland”
6. Every time you see something like this, a small part of you dies.
7. With any luck, you’ll get through a year without being constantly reminded of how lucky you’re supposed to be.
“St. Patrick’s Day is a lucky day for the Irish” …unlike every other day of the year?
8. OH THANK GOODNESS:
I was just going to go have dinner with my family and play some folk music, but now that YOU’RE celebrating St. Patrick’s Day, I’ll go to one of your restaurants instead! Let’s see, how are you celebrating?
9. You don’t know a single person that prefers green Bud Light to Guinness.
10. You’re really not sure where to start with the “green drink = St. Patrick’s Day drink” trend:
It’s probably very delicious. But for the love of god, what part of “curaçao, orange juice, and ginger ale” is Irish?!
11. And you’re frankly over the “green breakfast”:
Green eggs on Dr. Seuss’s birthday: great!
Green eggs on St. Patrick’s Day: WHY
12. Especially when a delicious, ACTUAL Irish breakfast is so easy to make:
Blood pudding sounds terrifying, but try it once. Get the recipe here.
13. You go out to a bar wanting to have a little tongue-in-cheek Irish fun, and see one of the thousands of variations of these groups of people:
Look at that, a traditional giant inflatable Irish penis. With a maniacally grinning face on it.
14. You like everyone wanting to experience your heritage, but sometimes…
“lol irish = drunk or whatever. c’mon, let’s make out baby.”
…it gets a little much.
“Oh heavens no, not the rest of the year! I’m only a drunken caricature today!”
15. You’re growing tired of people using the day devoted to your ancestors’ culture as an excuse to get absolutely hammered.
GET IT? IT’S BECAUSE IRISH PEOPLE ARE ALCOHOLICS. HAHAHA.
16. March 17th isn’t “Doesn’t Count As Alcoholism” Day.
17. You enjoy all the costumes and fun people have during the day, like “Irish Viking”:
…but don’t know who you need to start hitting when you see “Irish Butts”.
18. Really, you love your heritage, but you’re kind of starting to hate your holiday.
19. But after a few of these…
21. …and a few bites of Irish soda bread, you start to forget all about “luck” and St. Patricia.
22. Then you hear a group of these guys,
23. and see a troupe of stepdancers TEAR IT UP…
24. …and you stop caring how people celebrate this silly, ridiculous, fun holiday.
25. And just raise a pint with whoever’s next to you.
Who am I kidding? See you at the parade Saturday.